Emporium stops selling sugary drinks

portland-3Residents of the small fishing village of McGuillycuddy were stunned this week when the local store, Eddy’s Emporium, announced that it would no longer stock artificially sweetened drinks, such as Ribena, apparently¬† in a bid to combat childhood obesity.

Proprietor Eddy Stone, famed locally for his magnificent Hitler-style facial hair, has stated that he is not trying to dictate how people live their lives, but merely trying to ease the burden on the state by erradicating the “fat problem”.

Young Gail, the youngest resident in the area, has been quick to point out that she is far from obese, and described Stone’s actions as deplorable. “What the hell am I going to use to take the edge off the 7.5% white cider now?” she was heard to ask.

A spokesman for the Ribena Berry Collective has been quoted as saying “Yippee! This is a great da-“, before being squashed.



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