Islanders Beg “Bear” Grylls To Go Away

Residents of a private island have registered complaints against the self-proclaimed survivalist Edward Michael Grylls.

Grylls has been filming on the alleged deserted island without permission, causing disruption to the local inhabitants.

The owners of the private island, the Tracy family, have issued serveral complaints concerning trespass, illegal filming and property damage.

A spokesperson for the family, Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward, has gone on record to say that Mr. Grylls presence is not only an annoyance, but a threat to the safety of the world.

Mr. Grylls was about to make a statement, when a palm tree inexplicably folded in half and hit him in the head.